During January 2022, I was in the deepest depression that I had ever experienced. I was not able to walk across the room without losing my breath; I couldn’t lift a small pan filled with food due to shoulder and wrist pain; I couldn’t chop produce without my hands dropping the knife or the food. My mental health was chronically ill, and I knew I needed to act.
I had been doing my physical therapy exercises and taking my medications. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t becoming physically stronger. I thought the action that I was taking would get me physically fit, but I couldn’t see progress. I was comparing myself to society’s expected normal of mental and physical fitness: work, keep house, and socialize with others. My self-judgment was wrecking my mental and physical fitness.
I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I sat on my couch and began scrolling through YouTube while my husband was at work; I happened across “How I Lost Over 180 pounds – My Weight Loss Journey | Half of Carla.” Carla discussed her unhealthy relationship with food, not loving herself, and her fitness journey. Carla’s honesty compelled me to consider, “How can I love myself? How can I show up for myself?”
My first step for loving myself was to be honest with myself regarding my mental and physical health. I began journaling about different times in my life when I felt unloved. These writing sessions were momentous. I realized that the lack of my mother and father’s love, affirmation, and care conditioned me to believe that I was unlovable. My parents taught me to hate myself, not love myself. I forgave my parents, and, more importantly, I forgave myself. I purposed to practice self-love.
Self-love began by me looking in the mirror every morning and saying, “I love myself.” I will admit that I felt like a liar when I first began this technique, but it became easier over the next few weeks. Once I was comfortable with this technique, I added setting aside quiet time to complete extra physical therapy time at home. I silenced my phone, I did not get on social media, and I became reclusive as I worked on loving myself, being honest with myself, and healing my thought processes.
There was a curious positive effect from my mental and physical work: I began to realize that I couldn’t compare my level of fitness to others’ levels because my genetic disorders and brain tumors are disabling. I was disabled. I needed to re-define fitness for me.
I purposed to socialize with my adult children, granddaughter, and closest friends. I used these times to build happy memories and to share with them how much they meant to me. These acts of gratitude became the next steps and techniques in my self-love journey. Gratitude is daily practice for me, now. Every morning when I look in the mirror, I say something that I am thankful for and tell myself, “You are worthy of love. Let others love you the way that you love them: unconditionally.”
Self-acceptance and unconditional self-love are bondage breaking techniques that helped me to continue my fitness journey. I stopped comparing myself to others, and I diminished the value of “normalcy” for weight and BMI. This reduced stress helped me: I began sleeping about 2 hours every night without waking up; I didn’t feel as anxious; and I wanted to socialize with others.
My body was less stressed and more energized. I noticed that my increase in energy (thanks to some sleep) helped me complete light housework activities, like dusting, preparing a simple meal with nominal cooking, and playing with my dog. I had been depressed because I thought I needed to be “normal” and complete a task or many tasks back-to-back. I was no longer forcing myself to complete housework in one setting. I could dust one table, rest, and dust another table. My new fit mindset permitted me to breakdown household tasks.
I applied this technique to kitchen responsibilities. I could brown some ground beef, rest, catch my breath, cut up some greens, rest, and continue these small bursts of effort until the meal was prepared. My idea of mental and physical fitness became to accept who I am, work on myself, be thankful, be as active as I can be, and not to compare myself to others. This newfound mindset would be imperative during May and June 2022. It is during this time that I have brain surgery and undergo recovery. My physical capabilities would be greatly diminished: I had to learn to walk and balance.
In my next blog post, I will discuss how I fought to remain positive while recovering from brain surgery, and how I had to restart my physical fitness journey.